


(can’t say) i don’t love you

by Chibbers



Series: Works for others [3]
Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: 60 is named Silas, 900 is named Niles, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Office, Background North/60, Background rk900/oc, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends With Benefits, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Explicit Sex, Oh and Also, Seems unrequited, Tags May Change, Unreliable Narrator, and gavin is an, hanahaki is gross so there will be, non-descriptive vomiting, oc is named Clay, so y’all know who’s who, they are both just idiots, they aren’t cops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28281696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chibbers/pseuds/Chibbers
Summary: Gavin and Connor have been friends with benefits for quite some time, no strings attached.Except Gavin is already falling for Connor, who has made it clear he doesn’t want to be anything more than what they are.All Gavin can do is wait for the flowers to take bloom.—Human/Hanahaki AU - For the Convin Secret Santa in July
Relationships: Connor/Gavin Reed, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Works for others [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1255508
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	(can’t say) i don’t love you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chenpath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenpath/gifts).



> This is definitely a long time coming but this is my secret santa gift for Chenny from the Convin secret Santa from back in July. 
> 
> Life kept throwing more and more shit at me and it made it hard to get this out as it is, on top of me not being able to make up my mind on what to write for this. I wanted this to be perfect for Chenny and I really hope it lives up to the time it took to get this out!
> 
> Chapter 2 should be coming out around the start of the year! I just wanted to get something up in time for Christmas. 
> 
> Chenny, I hope you enjoy this and Merry Christmas!!! I love you!

Gavin steps out of the bathroom, wearing just his boxers, toweling his hair dry as he makes his way blindly into the bedroom. He can hear Connor shuffling around the room, likely picking up his clothes that were strewn across the floor hours ago. He pulls the towel off his head, and sure enough, Connor is already shimmying into his jeans. Gavin sighs, tossing the towel onto the sheets—he’ll need to change them before he goes to bed—and steps up to Connor as he’s pulling his belt through the loops.

“Connor, it’s—“he glances at the clock on his nightstand—“like two in the morning. You can just fucking stay, y’know.” 

“I’m aware of the time, Gavin,” Connor counters, belt clinking as he finishes securing it. “You know my stance on this, why do you keep bringing it up?”

The words hit like a knife in his chest, and he fucking hates that it makes him feel anything at all, but he hides the pain behind a scowl. He is absolutely not letting any vulnerability show, not like this, not at 2am when he’s gotta be at the office in the morning. Preferably not ever.

“Because sleeping on my couch for one night doesn’t mean we’re getting fucking married,” Gavin snaps. “I don’t understand why staying the night makes you think there has to be some sort of commitment for this. It doesn’t. It’s just goddamn sleep.”

“And what?” Connor bites back, pulling his shirt on and starting the buttons. “The morning after is awkward,  _ especially  _ when there’s no commitment. I would just leave right away after waking up anyway, and would have to go back to my apartment for a change of clothes.” 

Gavin just rolls his eyes, at which Connor scoffs and turns away from him. Gavin watches as he looks around the floor, getting increasingly irritated as he kicks around stray clothes.

“Have you seen my tie?”

Gavin sighs again, leaning onto the bed, and shoves his hand under the pillows, pulling the damn thing out before standing back up. He steps up to where Connor is kneeling, looking through Gavin’s discarded clothes near the door. Gavin clicks his tongue to get Connor’s attention, and Connor looks up at him holding the purple satin over his head.

“Thank you, Gavin.” Connor reaches for it as he stands, but Gavin pulls it away from his hand. He frowns at Gavin, about to snap at him for trying to play keep away, but the words die in his throat as Gavin loops the tie around his neck. 

Connor lets Gavin pull him down into a lingering kiss, letting himself get lost in it for a moment. He’s surprised when Gavin is the one to pull away instead, hands sliding down the fabric of the tie as he begins working on the knot. Connor remains silent even as Gavin starts to tighten the knot into place, hands lingering longer than strictly necessary. 

“Think about it,” Gavin says quietly, reaching up to fold the collar of Connor’s shirt down. “Maybe bring a change of clothes next time.”

Connor gently grips Gavin’s wrists and pulls them down and away, releasing them at his sides. His face is unreadable as he reaches back up to adjust his tie, and Gavin fucking hates that. He can’t stand not being able to tell what the asshole is thinking, and all Gavin can glean from Connor’s expression is that he’s a stuffy prick. 

“Goodnight, Gavin.” 

“Yeah, night.” 

Gavin watches Connor leave the room, not following after him, and after a few moments he hears the front door quietly click shut. He huffs out a breath, moving to grab his cigarettes from the top of his dresser. He needs a smoke after that absolute shutdown. 

Gavin makes his way out into the living room, petting his cat before lifting her off the hoodie he left on the back of the couch. He sets her down after moving it, and she quickly settles back into the spot, purring loudly. He gives her a few scratches behind the ears before stepping away toward the balcony door, pulling the hoodie on over his head. He slides the door open and steps out into the chill fall air, pulling a cigarette and his lighter from the pack before tossing it down on one of the patio chairs. He lights the cig and takes a deep drag off of it, leaning against the railing as he exhales a cloud of smoke that he watches disappear into the dark above him. 

Motion below catches his attention, and he looks down to see Connor making his way across the lot. Gavin takes another drag, flicking the ash over the rail as Connor gets into his car. Another as Connor pulls out and drives away, and another as he watches the taillights disappear over the hill. Gavin tries to ignore the heavy feeling in his chest as he finishes, stubbing it out in the ashtray on the rail. 

Connor hadn’t even looked back once.

Gavin lights up another cigarette.

——

The following week passes in a blur. Typical work, with overtime. Gavin hates having an office job, but it’s safe and good money. Hired on because Tina referred him, and now he’s been here for years. Mundane until Connor came along and added some spice. They’ve been butting heads since the beginning, and Gavin isn’t even sure how their little arrangement came to be, but he isn’t going to complain about getting laid on the regular. 

And well, he WASN’T going to complain, but now Gavin has this... knot, this feeling in the pit of his stomach that won’t go away. It gets worse with every night they spend together, and he tries his hardest to fight it off. The last thing Gavin needs is to fall for a guy that wants nothing of him aside from sex. He’s shut down Gavin enough times now that he’s starting to get the picture.

But every time he wants to cut things off, every time he starts to think that maybe he should put a stop to this before things get messy and muddled and the flowers take bloom in his chest, Connor worms his way back in. All it takes is a simple text, or a few casually dropped words in the break room, and Gavin is eagerly agreeing to have Connor for just one more night. Just one more night, and he’ll stop this. Tell Connor that he can’t do this anymore, that this can’t keep happening, tell him to fuck off for ever suggesting it in the first place. Just one more night, though.

But the thing about saying ‘one more night’ is that they never stop coming. 

Now, it’s Friday. It’s been eight days since their last hookup, which is a pretty large gap in their regular cycle. Gavin counts it as a blessing. Maybe Connor decided it was time to end this too, saving him the pain of the conversation by just cutting off contact completely. Things could go back to normal, maybe he could start hanging out more with Tina again. He never noticed how much he’d started prioritizing his nights with Connor over spending time with her, not until she had mentioned it a few days ago. He’d promised her Saturday, that they could have a night for themselves. Movies and video games and pizza, just relax and not worry about anything and bitch about work.

Gavin smiles as he thinks about it, ready to have some quality time with one of his best friends. They’d invited Chris too, but he was busy with family this weekend. They’ll just have to plan another time to hang out, maybe when Chris’ family can come too. 

Gavin stretches in his chair, grunting as his back pops, and decides to take a short break to refill his coffee. It’s already after lunch, but he doesn’t have work tomorrow and isn’t worried about the caffeine. He grabs his thermos and heads for the break room. He opens the door to the scent of burnt coffee, and scrunches his nose at the smell. He is definitely making fresh coffee, and he will NOT drink the tar he rinses down the drain of the sink. 

After setting up for a new pot, he leans against the counter with his phone in hand. Tina has been sending him messages about what she has planned for their weekend, and he can’t help but chuckle at her enthusiasm. He types out a reply. 

|ur like a fuckin kid

stfu dick |

Gavin continues typing away, even as the coffee maker sputters to a finish next to him. A few more minutes in the break room wouldn’t hurt anything, and he wants to get his plans with Tina finalized. Whatever work there is can wait, and the day is almost finished anyway, so he can get away with dicking off for a bit. As he’s laughing at a crude joke Tina sent, the break room door clicks open, pulling Gavin’s attention up from his phone. 

Connor is standing in the doorway, one hand on the doorknob and the other holding a coffee mug. It’s cartoonish, with a dog and the phrase ‘I’m doggone tired,’ and Gavin has to stifle a laugh at the sight. Stuck up Connor and his dumb dog pun mug. Connor only gives him a quick glance before stepping into the room, letting the door click shut behind him. 

Connor heads for the sink, and Gavin scoots aside a bit to give him room to work. They’re both silent as Connor turns on the tap, waiting for the water to heat up. Connor holds his hand under the running water to test it, and turns his head slightly towards Gavin, while Gavin turns his gaze back to his phone to avoid meeting his eyes.

“Are you free tonight?” Connor asks, voice low. 

“Tonight, yeah,” Gavin returns, keeping his eyes on the screen. 

“My place; 10 PM?”

Gavin looks at Connor with a frown. “Isn’t that kind of late?”

“I have dinner with my mother tonight,” he says simply, turning his attention back to washing his mug. “I won’t be available before that.”

“What, going home to mommy get you all high strung?” Gavin scoffs. “Why not just pick a different day if it’s gonna be that late.”

Connor just sighs and turns off the faucet, shaking the mug of excess water before putting it in the drying rack next to the sink. He pulls a couple of paper towels from the dispenser and turns to face Gavin fully as he’s drying his hands. 

“Do you want to, or not?” Connor asks, voice clipped. 

Gavin stares at Connor, grinding his teeth with frustration. Frustration at Connor, yes, but mostly at himself for feeling relieved that Connor wasn’t cutting off this thing between them. He hates that he’s become so attached to this. That every time it feels like they grow closer, become a little more than just sex, Connor is pushing him back at arm’s length, reminding him that they don’t mean anything. He’s tired of the push and pull, the back and forth, the blurred line between whatever the fuck their relationship has become and what it SHOULD be. He wants to be pissed at Connor, but he can’t even hold onto that feeling for long before directing it at himself instead. He wants to tell him no, tell him to fuck off, tell him that this isn’t going to happen again, but he just wants one more night. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Gavin responds quietly, rather than the words he actually wants to scream at him. “I’ll be there. Don’t get so pissy.”

Connor visibly relaxes at that, making Gavin realize he hadn’t noticed how tense the other had been. He can’t help but feel as though there’s something deeper there. Gavin had been joking about the family visit making him high strung, but maybe it was. Connor usually had nothing but praises to say for his family, aside from the occasional, normal irritations that came from having siblings. Gavin doesn’t want to pry into that, though, not at work, so he turns his eyes back to his phone, staring at the blinking line in his unfinished text to Tina. 

“Okay.“ Connor clears his throat quietly. “I’ll see you there, then. You don’t have to be exact, but try not to show up too early or I won’t be there to let you in.” 

Gavin just hums in response, wanting this entire interaction to be over before someone else comes in, causing him to fucking snap. Connor lingers a bit longer, despite Gavin blatantly trying to ignore him. He clears his throat again, louder this time, and Gavin glances back up, irritated, to see Connor finally stepping away with his hand at his mouth. He raises an eyebrow, irritation ebbing away and concern taking its place, but before he can question it, Connor is stepping out quickly with a quiet ‘excuse me’ as the door shuts behind him. 

Gavin lets out a heavy sigh, shoving his phone back in his pocket, and steps back to the coffee machine to grab his thermos. He rubs at his eyes with one hand, pinching his brow before running his hand over his face. God, he fucking hates this so fucking much. He’s not sure how much more of this bullshit he can handle, but he doesn’t want to let go. He can’t stand the fact that he’s got these FEELINGS taking root inside him, and he can only hope it’s not literal. He’s had the disease a few times throughout his life— it’s excruciatingly painful— but he’s never once been afraid to let the feelings bloom. Until now, he’s never had the fear of unreciprocated feelings, never had to deal with the struggle of deciding whether to have the flowers removed— and with it, his feelings, MEMORIES— or letting it consume him until he was literally suffocating in it. He knows the seed has already been planted, that it’s there, and it’s only a matter of time before he loses control of these emotions and has to be forced to make a choice he doesn’t want to have to make. 

Gavin takes in a deep breath, pushing the emotions down, and resumes making his coffee. He can deal with this tomorrow. 

———

Gavin stares up at Connor’s building from his car, windows down and a cigarette hanging between his fingers out the driver window. He hates Connor’s building, it’s too fucking tall and too fucking bright. He scoffs as he flicks the ashes off his cigarette, bringing it to his lips to take a heavy drag. A shitty complex that tries too hard to be ritzy. Gavin technically shouldn’t even be smoking in the lot, but he really doesn’t give a shit. Connor would probably complain about the taste and smell of him smoking before coming in, but the prick can deal with it for asking after him so goddamn late. 

He exhales the smoke with a sigh, stubbing the butt out in the ashtray in his cup holder. It’s 9:50 and that should be late enough for Gavin to head up without Connor getting his feathers all ruffled. He rolls up his windows, turns off his car, and opens the glovebox to grab the body spray he keeps there. He does a few spritz, hoping the mild scent would cover at least some of the smoke stench, and throws the bottle into the passengers seat before stepping out of his car and making his way toward the building. 

The lobby is empty, save for the guard that always sits at the front desk when Gavin comes in. Gavin knows that she knows, even though they’ve never even spoken past greetings, and he hates that she does. He avoids eye contact as he makes his way to the elevators and hits the call button. After a moment, the elevator dings upon it’s arrival, and he steps up to the doors as they start to slide open.

Gavin immediately jumps back as he nearly collides with someone on the way out. At first glance, he thinks it’s Connor, but after a moment of inspection, he realizes it’s one of Connor’s nearly doppelgänger brothers. The grey eyes that stare down at him coldly help him realize this is the younger asshole, Niles, and not the twin asshole. Fucking great. Nothing like running into your fuck buddy’s family on your way to a booty call. 

“Reed.” Niles says quietly, a hint of disgust in his voice as the two step around each other.

“Niles,” Gavin replies as he hits the button for Connor’s floor. The younger man stares at him as the doors slide shut, and Gavin gives him a jaunty, two-finger salute before they close entirely. 

If nothing else, Gavin Reed is an asshole, even under embarrassing judgement. 

It’s not the first time he’s met Connor’s family, and vice versa, because of office parties and such. Doesn’t make it any less humiliating in these situations. There’s only one reason he would be showing up this late at night when they are supposedly only “acquaintances,” and Gavin is starting to get annoyed at the amount of people that are aware of their hookups. 

He sighs heavily as the elevator chimes and comes to a stop. No need to think about unnecessary things right now. He’s here for a good lay before getting kicked out for the night, nothing else. He steps out of the elevator as the doors open, making a beeline for Connor’s apartment—last door on the left, 804. Normally, he looks forward to these nights, but today he’s just tired. Gavin still wants to do this, wants to be here, because this is the only way he’s allowed to get close to Connor. It’s the only time he can pretend they’re more than what they are. Once he steps through that door, anything goes. He can be as soft or rough or intimate as he wants, as long as Connor doesn’t tell him to stop, and for that short time he can imagine that what they’re doing isn’t just a fling. 

Gavin thinks he’s getting tired of pretending. 

He knocks on the door softly, and almost instantly the door is open — his hand is still in the air and everything. Connor is there, leaning heavily on the door with a dopey grin on his face, cheeks flushed a bright pink. His hair is disheveled, curling as it does after he showers, and the top few buttons of his shirt are undone, the sleeves sloppily rolled up to his elbows. 

“Gavin!” Connor exclaims. “You came.”

Gavin has to hold back the ‘not yet, I haven’t’ his brain supplied to that comment, and steps into the apartment. 

“Said I would,” he says instead, turning back to Connor and toeing out of his shoes as the other shuts and locks the door. “Are you drunk?”

“No!” Connor whips around to face him, but wobbles on his feet a bit before straightening up. “Maybe a bit. I had a little wine, Niles had to bring me home.”

Gavin just rolls his eyes as he turns his back to Connor again, attempting to hide the smile he’s trying, and failing, to contain. He takes off his jacket as he makes his way further into the living room, making note of the mostly empty—and open—bottle of red wine and empty glass sitting on the kitchen island.

“Yeah, ‘a little’” Gavin snorts. “Ran into him on the way up, by the way. Fuckin’ awkward.” 

“Sorry. I’m glad— I’m glad you showed up.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” He asks, draping the jacket over one of the stools at the bar.

“I dunno,” Connor says a bit sheepishly, stepping up behind Gavin and sliding his hands down Gavin’s waist to settle on his hips. “You seemed sort of mad earlier. Sorry for asking you to be here so late.” He presses his lips softly to the back of Gavin’s neck, breath tickling the hairs there and causing goosebumps to rise on his skin. Connor presses against his back, arms looping around his middle as he buries his face in Gavin’s shoulder and pulls him flush against him. Connor is normally this clingy when he’s been drinking, but that usually isn’t until after they fuck, and it leaves Gavin feeling slightly overwhelmed. He’s afraid he’ll say something stupid and break the spell, that he’ll somehow say something that will make Connor realize exactly how sappy he’s being right now and end the moment. 

Gavin hates how much he’s clinging to this false intimacy. 

“You always irritate me,” Gavin replies quietly, turning in Connor’s arms. Connor pulls him back as soon as he’s turned, and Gavin wraps his arms around Connor’s neck, looking up at his stupidly beautiful, flushed face. “Why would today be any different?” 

Connor laughs softly, moving his hands down and pushing them up the back of Gavin’s sweater to caress the bare skin underneath. His hands are almost too warm, feeling like they’re searing his chilled skin as they work up and down his back. 

Connor leans in and kisses him, and instantly Gavin is parting his lips. They kiss languidly, deeply. An unhurried tangle of tongues, sloppy with Connor’s drunken state, and Gavin can’t get enough. His hands move, one to cup Connor’s face as Gavin tilts his own head to the side for better access, the other resting on Connor’s neck to keep him as close as possible. They part, barely, breath mingling between them, and their hooded eyes meet for just a moment before Connor is closing his again and pressing a chaste kiss back to the corner of Gavin’s mouth. 

“I needed this,” Connor breathes, lips moving against Gavin’s skin. “Need you.” 

Connor’s words hit Gavin somewhere deep in his chest, a lasting sting that feels like it’s burning a hole in him from the inside out. He doesn’t get to ponder the feeling for long because Connor’s lips are back on his with purpose, heated and wanting, and Gavin returns it with fervor. He told himself he could deal with this tomorrow— and he will— but right now he’s going to take what Connor is giving him, wholeheartedly, for one more night.

They clumsily make their way back to Connor’s bedroom, only separating long enough to shed their clothing along the way. They tumble into the bed together, fumbling to situate themselves without breaking apart, desperate to keep their hands and mouth on the other. The struggle ends with Gavin pinning Connor underneath him, holding his arms down over his head by the wrists as they continue making out. 

Gavin breaks away, kissing down Connor’s body, spurred on by the breathy noises Connor makes as he nips at his pale skin. Gavin loves this, his own urges on the back burner as he pleasures Connor, knowing exactly what to do to get him going. Connor is so warm and pliant and vocal as he preps him, and it makes Gavin feel like he’s going to combust from the heat that surges through him. 

When they’re finally connected, Gavin takes his time, rolling his hips slowly and soaking up every bit of affection he can. With every touch and kiss and quiet moan, Gavin can feel himself sinking deeper and deeper. He’s completely drowning in his emotions, and when he finishes shortly after Connor, he buries his face into his neck, mouthing at the skin there to stop the words on the tip of his tongue. 

_ I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. _

———

They shower together afterwards, close and relaxing under the spray of hot water before they succumb to their urges and Gavin takes Connor again. The water begins to lose its warmth, so they quickly clean themselves before the water turns freezing. Gavin keeps the towel he dries with around his waist, making his way out of the en suite to collect his boxers from the floor outside the bedroom door. He pulls them on after draping the towel around his neck, and steps back into the room.

Connor is now in the room, still naked, ass on full display as he rips the soiled sheets from his bed. Gavin huffs out a laugh, amused that every shred of decency Connor postures himself with is completely thrown out the window in his drunken state. He comes up behind Connor as he’s bunching up the sheets, pinching one of his cheeks firmly. Connor jumps away with a yelp, glaring back at Gavin as he laughs loudly. 

“Cover your ass,” Gavin says with a grin. “Unless you want me to pound it again?” 

Connor scoffs. “I doubt you could get it up again if you wanted to.” 

“Wanna fuck around and find out?”

Connor rolls his eyes, trying and failing to suppress the amusement on his face, and moves across the room to drop the sheets in the hamper. Gavin follows behind him to drape his towel over the edge of it while Connor opens the top drawer of the dresser next to it. He steps into a pair of black briefs and crouches down to open the bottom drawer, pulling out a set of dark gray sheets. He turns to Gavin and shoves the sheets against his chest, which Gavin fumbles with to keep them from dropping to the floor. 

“Now that you’re no longer tempted,” Connor says with a pat to Gavin’s chest, “help me make my bed.”

Gavin groans dramatically, but he complies. Connor is surprisingly coordinated, so Gavin can only assume Connor is sobering up and is now only pleasantly buzzed. It doesn’t detract from his giddy state though, as he laughs heartily when the fitted sheet slips from Gavin’s hand and completely undoes his side of the bed. It only takes them a few minutes, but afterwards, Connor flops down dramatically on one side of the bed. He chuckles when Gavin drops down on his side next to him, propping head up on his hand and smiling softly as Connor looks over at him with that dopey look on his face.

“Thanks,” Connor says, just above a whisper, and Gavin tries to ignore the fluttery feeling in his stomach. 

“No problem,” Gavin replies just as quietly. “Now, what’s got you like this, huh?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Y’know, you asked me over kinda last minute, and late at night,” Gavin lists off, “and when I show up you’re drunk on wine like a middle-aged Karen at a Christmas party, so—what’s up?”

Connor sighs heavily, turning his head to stare at the ceiling and lacing his fingers together over his chest. He’s quiet for a few moments, and Gavin knows not to push right now. Gavin and Connor bicker, push and pull at each other, and egg each other on a lot, but he knows that this is a moment to be serious. Connor doesn’t like to open up, though he has in the past. He just needs the time to process what to say, which is likely slightly hindered by his inebriated state. Connor huffs a breath out his nose and looks back at Gavin. 

“I didn’t mean to drink so much, honestly.” Connor sighs. “Tonight was a celebration, I should have expected there to be wine, especially from our mother. One glass turns into three and it just keeps going, you don’t even notice!” 

Gavin nods with a light chuckle, definitely understanding how easy it is to lose track of how much you’re drinking during a party, especially with family. He can only imagine that it could have been much worse if Niles hadn’t been there to slow the progress. Connor has zero self control once he’s had alcohol in him, and he’s surprised Niles let him continue drinking after bringing him home. 

“What were you guys celebrating, then?” Gavin asks curiously. 

“Ah, I suppose I forgot to mention it,” Connor smiles, albeit a bit sadly. “Silas got engaged.”

“No shit? Good for them,” Gavin grins. “About time, him and North’ve been together for, what, six years now?”

“Just about,” Connor confirms. “North was the one to propose apparently. I think if she’d kept waiting on Silas, she would have kicked his ass.” 

“Probably,” Gavin agrees, “that woman is full of spitfire. He’s definitely into it, though.”

“Ugh, shut up.”

“I bet he gets pegged—“

“Stop!” Connor bursts out with a laugh, bringing an arm up to cover his eyes. “I don’t wanna know this, oh my god.” 

Gavin laughs too, warmth spreading over him as he looks adoringly at Connor. He loves moments like this, where they’re just... together, talking. He feels as though during these moments they both let their walls down, just a little. Enough for them to learn about each other—their families, their interests, their lives— slowly but surely building up to what they have now. Not quite a friendship, but something. Gavin isn’t sure how to label this thing between them, because once they leave the confines of the bedroom walls, it’s like they’re nothing more than coworkers. Just coworkers, despite the fact that Connor probably knows more about Gavin than Tina does. Their truths slip out in the quiet and intimate aftermath, lips loosened with the released stress from the day, and even if it hurts him Gavin holds these moments inside, closely guarded and secretly sought after. 

Gavin shifts closer to Connor, holding himself back from grabbing Connor’s hand in his own. He craves that intimacy, but doesn’t want to push. Connor usually has to be the one to engage those things, because Gavin’s attempts get shut down immediately. He doesn’t think Connor hates him, but at times it feels like he does when every time he tries to initiate or reciprocate that pull, Connor is pushing him away again. It’s like walking on eggshells, but Gavin has gotten used to it. He knows how to handle Connor, even if he does get a little bold at times, so instead of physical touch, Gavin speaks softly.

“So, if it’s supposed to be a celebration,” Gavin starts, fiddling with the corner of the pillow case, “why do you seem so upset about it?” 

Connor sighs, the smile immediately dropping from his face, and Gavin has a moment of fear that this conversation is over. Connor is silent for a moment, during which Gavin is willing his heart to calm down, but then he removes his arm from his face. Connor doesn’t look annoyed, or like he’s shutting himself off, he just looks tired. 

“I am happy for him...” Connor’s voice is quiet, trailing off with uncertainty for what to say next. 

“... but?”

“It’s just... stressful. In it’s own way, at least.” 

“How so?” Gavin inquires.

“He’s my twin. We’re the same age and he’s been in a committed relationship for years.” Connor turns his head away from Gavin, another quiet sigh escaping his lips. “He’s going to get married, and I haven’t been in a stable relationship since I was in my early twenties. Even then I was far more committed than they were. It’s why things ended, really.”

They’re both silent, even as Connor rolls on his side to face Gavin. He avoids looking at Gavin directly, casting his eyes downward as he adjusts himself. After he settles, he remains quiet for several moments, clenching the blanket in the space between them loosely in his hand. 

“I’m afraid,” Connor confesses, his voice barely a whisper. “I just—I don’t want to— to commit myself to someone, pour all my love into them, just to be left empty and alone. Not again.” He looks up at Gavin then, brown eyes glassy as if he’s trying not to cry, and it strikes Gavin to his core. “It hurts more than coughing up those stupid flowers ever could.”

Gavin feels his breath catch. He isn’t sure what to say, but he doesn’t want to leave Connor without a response. He slides his hand up the bed and gently places it over Connor’s, rubbing gently with his thumb. 

“It’s okay to be afraid,” Gavin breathes out.  _ So am I _ , he wants to add, but he bites his tongue. 

Connor puffs out a quiet laugh, a small smile returning to his face. Gavin feels relief wash over him, glad that he could help, even just a little. 

“Thanks,” Connor replies. “Also, even if she means well, Mom is constantly pestering me about settling down. ‘If Silas can, you should too!’” He scoffs. “She stresses me the hell out. Though today was supposed to be a celebration—and it was—she just... I dunno, makes me feel like I’m not doing as well in life.”

“You’re doin’ pretty fuckin’ great in my opinion.” 

Connor snorts, his stupid grin spreading across his face again, and Gavin feels himself smiling right along with him. Gavin is so glad he can make this stuck up idiot smile and laugh, especially after talking about something so deeply personal. He knows he’s completely fucked, but being with Connor like this makes him feel like the possibility of them being something more is a little more realistic. Laying there facing one another, Connor’s hand warm and  _ still there _ under his own, fills Gavin with a strange sort of giddy anticipation. 

“It’s getting late, Gav,” Connor says suddenly, instantly replacing the warmth in his chest with a sharp pain. Like he was just stabbed— the ache filling his entire being— by the reality of their situation. He stares silently back at Connor for a moment, Connor’s eyes once again avoiding his. 

“Right,” Gavin croaks out. “Guess I should get going, then.” He sits up, pulling his hand away from Connor’s and moves to get out of the bed. 

He barely has his legs over the edge of the mattress when he feels Connor grab him by the wrist. Firm, but gentle. Gavin stops immediately, looking back over his shoulder at Connor, who is still avoiding his gaze. 

“Wait.” Connor whispers. 

So Gavin waits, quietly, holding his breath even as he waits for Connor to continue. He also hopes. Hopes that Connor says something he’s wanted for a long time now, rather than something that will leave him feeling gutted. 

“Would you... like to stay?” Connor asks sheepishly, and Gavin has to suppress the relieved sigh he wants to let out. He turns more to look back at Connor fully, who finally looks up at him with what can be described as puppy-dog eyes. As if he’d have to beg for Gavin to agree. 

“Do you want me to?” Gavin asks instead, continuing their stupid routine of not giving any straight fucking answers. 

“Yes.” Connor says with a certainty that leaves Gavin feeling a little breathless. 

“Then I’ll stay,” Gavin replies, “but you have to get me a blanket for the couch.” He moves to stand again, and Connor’s grip around his wrist tightens. 

“No, just...” Connor’s voice loses some of the confidence it had before, but he presses on. “I mean, stay here with me.” His voice is quiet. “If you want to.”

Gavin only stares, surprised at the fact that Connor asked him to stay at all, let alone share the bed together. Despite the number of years they’ve been fucking around, Connor was hard pressed on not letting either of them spend the night together. Even more shocking was that he’s asking Gavin to for this after completely shutting him down only a week ago. 

Gavin realizes he’s taken too long to reply as Connor pulls away, a murmured apology on his lips, but Gavin interrupts him. 

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Gavin shifts, tugging gently away from Connor’s grasp. “I’ll stay.”

Connor lets him pull away, watching with a weary look as Gavin readjusts and slides under the covers. He settles in, facing Connor again and props up on his arm once more. Connor doesn’t move, looking over at Gavin as if he’s in awe at the fact that he’s staying. Gavin wants to roll his eyes, but instead he tugs at the blankets still underneath Connor. 

“Do you even know how to sleep?” Gavin quips. “You’re supposed to be  _ under  _ the covers.”

“Shut up,” Connor snorts, and rolls to turn off the lamp on the nightstand. “Of course I know how to sleep, fuck you.”

“You sure?” Gavin grins at Connor’s struggling to get under the blankets next to him. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep. Actually, think you might be some kind of robot. Maybe even a terminator.”

“If I was a terminator, you’d be dead already,” Connor huffs out a laugh. 

“I dunno, maybe the sex is so good I scrambled your programming.”

Another scoff. “It’s not  _ that  _ good.” 

“Then why do you keep—“ a pillow collides with his face.

“Go to sleep, Gavin.” 

“Geez, fine.” He’s quiet for a moment, and then, “night, Con.”

“Goodnight.”

A silence falls over the room, and Gavin is too nervous to even breathe. This was extremely sudden and he hadn’t prepared for this possibility at all. He’s happy —thrilled— but he can’t help the anxiety eating at him. This is what he’s wanted for so long now, but he’s not sure how to handle it. The energy buzzing through him leaves him feeling antsy, but he stays still, both comforted and on edge having Connor right here in front of him. 

Gavin is certain he won’t be getting any sleep tonight. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the formatting, I’m posting from my phone ;u; 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!


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